kayspace

The things that make me happy

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 15:53:01 +0000

It is somewhat confusing how one day can be so different from the previous. Yesterday was a 2 and today I rate it an 8.

Brunch. Or breakfast, depending on what time food is consumed.

Today, I had brekkie with Joel. He’s a friend I’m really thankful for. We’ve been friends since end 2003. He’s seeing someone now but we’ve still remained good friends. We have great conversations every time we meet up and we though we don’t meet up often, it’s always easy to pick up where we’ve left off. I know if I needed something really importantly or urgently, he’d do his best to help me. So a few days ago, I told him that I was in the hospital recently but instead of trying to talk over the phone while I was Wee Nam Kee chicken rice, we decided on breafast today.

We went to Hatched, which is a little more troublesome to go to if you don’t drive though the new Circle Line should make it much easier. As its name suggest, it’s all about eggs! I had the Baked Billy Oozy bake egg. It’s slightly different from what’s described in the menu - it had caramalized onions (not my fave) and pesto (which I did like). Joel had the Burly Benedict - corned Wagyu beef and a poached egg. I love breakfasts, especially breakfasts that are centered around eggs.

Conversation with Joel is always good. And I want to get to know Joey, his girlfriend more. I like her.

Other things that made me happy today.

(Window) shopping at Lemon Zest at Holland Village and Phoon Huat. Cheese at Cold Storage - my faves are soft cheeses like Camembert and Brie. Champagne or Brut or Cava - anything with bubbles. And my pretty new float skirt from Mango which I’ve bought for a number of weeks that I haven’t worn.

I’ll have more “proper” pics of breakfast with my GF1 but today was a happy day. Like I said 8/10. The inertia always makes starting difficult but once one gets going it’s so much easier to keep it up. I was happy walking around Holland Village myself waiting for CC, taking pics of things that “made me happy” with my iPhone. Baking makes me happy and I made more sesame cake for my aunt when I go over to her place tomorrow. Chatting with CC about our business plan makes me happy. Joel remarked today that although I say that I have nothing anchoring myself down at the moment, he takes heart in seeing some things not changing - I may not take as many pictures but I still do. And the things I seem to be passionate and enthusiastic, talking about them, are creative things.

Yeah, I’m excited to be making a laptop bag tomorrow with the help of my aunt. I also would like her to take a look at the dress pattern that is beyond my level of understanding.

Little steps maybe, baby steps. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realise that I can be happy just being me and doing the things that I like, independently of others. The time now is me time. The cards are right. I’m sure I’ll still have bad days but I have good ones too and I recognise them for what they are now.

New books

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 16:01:24 +0000

I have two new books to add to my ever growing collection of cookbooks, most of which were amassed in London from Amazon. Books delivered to your door - none of that luging, unless you get it delivered to the office but of course. I’d previously told myself, “No more books. You don’t know where you’re going to be in 3 months or 6.” Back then, I thought I might be moving to Shanghai but it looks like I’m not, or not in the near future. And I decided that it was high time I quite putting my life on hold, waiting for the better life to come before I decided to live it. So this week, with the support of my parents and friends, I decided to live life now, in the present. Which means, not only did I paint my shelves and tidy up my papers this morning, I moved my soft 180º so it sits at the foot of my bed now facing outwards. I’m contemplating selling my old Billy bookcase in exchange for an Expedit.

And books. Books are crazy expensive in Singapore. I don’t know why. These were bought at Barnes & Noble so they’re not Amazon prices but they’re still cheaper than books in Singapore. I have a fondness/weakness for cookbooks, especially well photographed cookbooks. La Tartine Gourmand and Where Women Cook are just two new ones being added to the bookshelf which is exploding soon and I have another book - Tart Love - coming my way. Books, cookbooks, with great recipes and amazing photography really do it for me. In fact, I gave some of my old cookbooks away because the photography was really too 1980s busy busy busy. My dad says that for him, function comes before form. For me, aesthetics are just as important as a well built and useful machine. I think like Apple.

I’m not sure when the first recipe will be up but I’m happy and the meds are starting to kick in so I, gotta go to bed!

G’night!

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 14:05:30 +0000

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”

- Henry Ellis

Tidying Today

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:03:31 +0000

I don’t profess to be the tidiest person around. In fact, I’m a little bit of a schizo when it comes to organisation/disorganisation. What I do like are clean lines and minimalism when it comes to storage: the more unobtrusive, the better. So imagine my horror when my mother (bless her) started filing my papers in random D-ring files - bright red ones, a muted pastel green one, a dirty pink paper folder… You get the idea. I’ve lived with it for a while coz I was procrastinating but today, after the painting of my fugly untreated pine shelves (though hidden in a hole in the wall) - they’re not pretty distressed white - I decided that I needed to get rid of the garish D-ring files and actually use the translucent files that have been lying in the corner behind the door for months - they were sent to me from the UK too coz I could not find white translucent files in any of the book/stationery stores in Singapore. I’ve just found one solitary store - Muji - that does them. I figure that as I’m trying to clear my mind, let’s also clear the space so that the good chi can flow in :) Am at Starbucks Velocity now - free wifi’s a little slow but at least it’s free. I wish I were back in New York (or other parts of the US) where wifi is free at all Starbuck stores.

It’s Book’s Actually’s 30% sale today but considering I’ve just purchased La Tartine Gourmand and Where Women Cook and Matt’s ordered Tart Love, I decided that I wouldn’t even the thought of the the 30% is tempting since books are so expensive in Singapore.

When I get back after the coffee, I’m going to attempt a mini re-org of my room - I’m going to move my sofa. :)

I love Anne Hathaway and I love the idea that you can love...

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 17:06:00 +0000

I love Anne Hathaway and I love the idea that you can love someone. And I love the light in this image. And the depth of field. And how she’s looking off camera.

Too tired to write. Thought I’d share this picture...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 13:14:53 +0000

Too tired to write. Thought I’d share this picture instead. It was taken for the Feb Photo a Day challenge.

Today’s challenge: Blue

Yesterday

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 14:47:47 +0000

Yesterday was a really full day for me. I did a lot more yesterday than I have done in the last two months. I feel.

My parents “dragged” me out to lunch at their fave hor fun place again - my dad loves it. Enroute, I came across (almost literally) a hole in a wall shop and bought a royal blue blouse. Then we went to visit my dad’s friends’ shop - Yong Gallery, here’s a pic.

I feel really lucky coz my dad is really good friends with the guys and yesterday a bunch of Japanese tourists came in and ordered traditional Chinese name seals. Not having my camera with me, but my dad did of course, I told my dad, “Quick, give me the camera,” changed lenses to the 45 on the G3, and snapped away. Uncle Hon is really friendly and had no problems with my camera being on his hands and I snapped away.

After I met Jeanne and we decided to head to Duxton for coffee. On the way, we went to Stevie General Store on Club Street for some vintage dress shopping. I got my hands on a gorgeous black and red polka dot number but it was too small for me so Jeanne got it! I’m happy for her!! Grrr…

After coffeeing and lazing around The Pigeon Hole for a bit, we got our butts to The Substation where she was going to check out a Japanese dance class - Butoh. I ended up attending the class too. I figured, “I’d never do this by myself, I’d never even think of doing this. So since there’s an opportunity to do something I never thought I’d do and I’m with a friend, why not.”

National Museum of Singapore lit up at night. Pretty eh? I haven’t been inside for eons. Another little project maybe.

And finally dinner. We were thinking, “alcohol or non?” and decided on something plain ol’ refreshing coz we were thirsty after the Butoh class! Moss Burger it ended up being and I got their super duper Tobikiri Wagyu burger. I don’t know where the wagyu was in the burger but the fried egg was good. And we had a good time chatting about everything and ended up talking about numerology.

A lot has happened lately and there are so many unanswered questions in me. I think may things aren’t meant to be answered or answered now. Or maybe somethings have already been answered and I haven’t liked or accepted the answers. I don’t know. Anyway, the way the numbers go, there seems to be an uncanny consistency on what I need to do.

Focus on myself
Move away to succeed
I will succeed
Our paths are linked

It’s scary and comforting at the same time.

So that was yesterday. Today I’m feeling a little on the down side. I think it’s coz I’m so unaccustomed to doing so much and my body’s just protesting a little today. I’ve also learnt that when my body isn’t sufficiently rested, I get more depressed. Which is why I have more decisions to make in the next two days. Wish me luck.

Ipoh Hor Fun in Singapore

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:54:00 +0000

I love Ipoh hor fun. It’s one of my favourite local dishes, considering it’s not really local since it is from Ipoh (supposedly). I’ll leave the googling of what hor fun is to you but essentially, it is a thin, flat rice noodle, sort of the same shape as a tagliatele but made from rice flour. Hor fun, in my opinion is not to be confused with kway teow, which is also a flat rice noodle but wider (almost 2-3 times the width), drier, with a coarser texture. I have no idea why.

Most Ipoh hor fun comes with toppings. The most typical are chicken and prawn/shrimp (and a smattering of green vege). Some places serve Ipoh hor fun with beef brisket, mushrooms. Served up in a thickish sauce.

For the longest time, I’ve loved the Ipoh hor fun at Lee Tong Kee. I remember going to a non-airconditioned shophouse in Chinatown somewhere, where the head waiter was this guy who, once he took your order, shouted at the top of his lungs to the kitchen at the back. It’s since moved to nicer, airconditioned locations. [Aside: I do not under Singapore designed websites. They don’t quite get ease of navigation and nestle “locations” under contact which think are totally different.] My favourites at Lee Tong Kee are the traditional speciality hor fun that comes with chicken slices and prawn toppings. I particularly like their poached chicken which is one of the best - every slice is as smooth as silk. My dad likes the beef brisket and my mom likes the one with mushrooms. I usually order a side of chicken too. Their fried wontons are also pretty much to die for. Little perfectly golden meat and prawn contained in a perfectly crispy and non oily wonton skin. Only having been back for about 6 months and not having a “proper” job yet, I’m careful about where I go and because I’ve been going there since I was a kid, their prices seem a little on the pricey side . You can browse their menu and decide for yourself. Nevertheless, I do like going there.

Best hawker centre find for the week was Tuck Kee Ipoh Sah Ho Fun - yup, that’s the name of the shop. No website but you can google for other reviews. Situated at Hong Lim Food Centre unit 02-40 on 531A Upper Cross Street, I was pretty skeptical when my mom brought me there. The posh bitch in me was lamenting (in my mind) about the horrid conditions of the food centre. (I still don’t particularly like the food centre mind you.) But the hor fun is just as good. Just as good at Lee Tong Kee’s. That’s a very big compliment. I had their “standard fare” pictured above which had about 6 ot 7 halved prawns (generous by Lee Tong Kee standards and large ones too) and a good handful of delicious chicken at only $4. Lee Tong Kee’s is $5 and has less chicken, fewer prawns and smaller too. But air conditioning. My dad chose the crayfish hor fun and it’s a pity I didn’t get a picture.

[Here’s a pic taken on another day of hor fun with prawns and fake abalone which tasted more like mushrooms.]

My next appointment at SGH is on Tuesday I think. And oh am I definitely going back for the hor fun. I guess I will just have to bite my tongue and the other stuff that I find not so appealing. Life’s like that eh. If you are aware of any other fabulous Ipoh hor fun places that are not in no man’s land, drop me a line, I’d love to hear from you.

Btw, I’m still hunting down the roast duck and crispy pork place that used to be opposite Maxwell Market. If anyone knows, please ping me a line too.

"“My heart is a traitor,” the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest..."

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:53:00 +0000

“

“My heart is a traitor,” the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest their horses. “It doesn’t want me to go on.”

“That makes sense,” the alchemist answered. “Naturally it’s afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you’ve won.”

“Well then, why should I listen to my heart?”

“Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you’re thinking about life and about the world.”

”

-

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist.

In 2010, my heart was telling me that it wasn’t right. But it only told me part of the truth. It didn’t tell me that things haven’t been right for a very long time. If I had even listened to that mustard seed of truth, things might have been different today. Had I the courage to lean into the discomfort that was coming through from the past beyond even then, I really might not be where I am today, struggling.

Emily said that I’d taken a wrong turn, but that somehow this wrong turn was something that I had to take. I don’t know how good a gypsy she is but the cards all seem to say the same thing. And my heart, my heart is still a traitor. It’s still telling me things that my head refuses to agree to.

"He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the..."

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:59:58 +0000

“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.”

- Gabriel García Márquez, Love In The Time Of Cholera

I never did finish the book. I left it in London. Looking through some of my photos of New York, I was reminded of this passage in the book. Was I happy then? Yes without a doubt. Did my world crash? Of course it did. But I was happy again. And even though right this moment, it seems as if the dawn will never arrive, I think it might. I just don’t really know when yet.

New York 2012

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:47:03 +0000

New York was somewhat planned for the fall of 2012 - for my birthday actually. I had great hopes and dreams and plans, new places to go, new things to try. Flights and accommodation have even been booked. I don’t know what’s going to happen with those tickets and perhaps I might not stay at the Sheraton by Central Park, but I’m hoping and planning to be in New York this September, to celebrate my birthday. It might be slightly different from what I envisioned but I’m determined to make it there.

I don’t know why, but I’ve always felt at home in New York. I never worried about getting lost and while I always had friends there, either living there or travelling through.

Dearest New York, one day I will wake up to your sunrises and jog along the East River. I will drink in bars on the Lower East Side and ice skate in Central Park. Dearest New York, I will work towards my dreams and one day they will come true.

[Day 3] A stranger. Because sometimes I don’t know who I...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 14:27:43 +0000

[Day 3] A stranger. Because sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore. (Taken with instagram)

It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 11:37:39 +0000

It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting (Taken with instagram)

My favorite song right now and a music video beautifully shot. I...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:00:00 +0000

My favorite song right now and a music video beautifully shot.

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believe I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have love you for a thousand years
I’ll love for a thousand more

This is for you.

New beginnings

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:20:40 +0000

Life for me, was thrown upside down about 7 weeks ago. Short of going into the painful details, I’ve been struggling. And my struggle has turned into a downward spiral of depression. Yesterday, I was admitted to hospital for observation. I sat on the ledge of my (parents’) 9th storey apartment. I don’t know if I would have hurled myself off. I wasn’t afraid but in the eyes of the doctors, this was a dangerous act.

I struggle with the feeling that life isn’t worth it (anymore). If I am really honest with myself, I probably needed help a long time ago. I probably should not have stopped the meds that I was on in 2010/2011 but at one point things (the situation) seemed alright, really. I don’t know medically what’s going on in my brain but maybe I should have stuck on with them even when I wasn’t sure. But enough is enough and I need to take responsibility for my life now. Last night, I was admitted to the Singapore General Hopsital for observation. Tonight, I swallowed my 2nd cocktail of Fluvoxamine & Diazepam - which should help with my depression & anxiety disorder, and insomnia.

Today, I teared once, just once. And only when I talked about It. So much has happened and I feel as if all my hopes and dreams have been ripped out from under me and I can’t see any way out of the humungous chasm I’ve fallen into. What makes it worse - I don’t know which part of the chasm I’m in. I don’t know if I’ve hit rock bottom yet or if there’s still a distance to go. They say that the meds help clear the fog. It doesn’t change the situation, but if there’s a chance that I might be able to view the situation in a different light that might possibly help me, I’m jumping at the chance.

Besides my parents, I had a few visitors today. My favourite grandma came. An old friend from Sunday School a long time ago came for a bit. And Emily (Paper Tiger Press) dropped by with a chocolate treat from Canelé and her deck of Tarot cards. And Emily was really kind and did a reading for me as she’s sorta known that I’ve been out of sorts lately.

I guess what I have come to believe in terms of “the future,” be it Tarot cards or fortune telling or faith in God or the Universe is that there is something (much) bigger than me out there and it is connected to me in some way. I believe that we know subconsciously much more than we do consciously - what’s good for us, what we want, what we need to do.

When It happened and I fled to Malaysia to be with Ling who shared her Goddess Oracle cards with me. I calculated the probability of drawing any given card to be about 2.27%. But it feels that there is something bigger than me guiding me, telling me in the cards time and time again, that this is what I need to do: take some [I don’t know how much] time out, learn who I am again, be happy with who I am. Focus on being me.

Emily’s cards today said that I may have taken a wrong turn in life but this seeming wrong turn was something that I needed to do. There are journeys left to be taken, paths to charter, roads that may take me to foreign lands. There will be money, money related to something foreign and/or travel. Even though right now, my core is full of anxiety and worry, it will not stay forever as the Sun card trumps the Owl card. My travels or journeys or movement are key in my growth and abundance.

While this doesn’t explicitly say that I need to take time out, Emily’s cards were also very about myself. Emily said that she’d done a reading for a friend whose cards were very social and friendship related and mine was definitely the opposite of that. At the moment too, there are no relationships. I guess for me, this really reinforces the Goddess cards. There are new beginnings. But for something new to come, the old must make way. And I need to chart the waters independently and strong.

Today I sit in the hospital and hope that I’m strong enough to leave the old behind and embrace newer things, better things, believe that I’m leaving rock bottom. I wonder if the meds will help clear the fog. I wonder if I can once again, believe in myself that I can achieve great things and fulfil my dreams, of which I have many.

I was at Brian Ferry’s blog today and he linked to an interview with Mikael Kennedy and the words that resonated with me were “Every moment in my past has brought me to where I am today, to this moment, what ever it may be” and “I realized I could make my life into anything I wanted, that I could choose my reality. That was when I put myself fully into this, that I decided to just go and see what happened, nothing else mattered.”

After having neglected this blog forever, I finally found words that came from a place in my heart that wasn’t a sad, angry, depressed place. I finally feel that perhaps, just perhaps, my life might not be a closed book after all. Tomorrow, I’ve asked my dad to bring me my camera with my fave 25mm lens and for starters, I’m doing the Feb photo a day challenge.

Jeanne and Mia are doing it with me. I think Emily might too. Since we all met at Pooja’s bookmaking class, I think I’d like to bind mine and turn it into a book. I’m also going to attempt this with my Lumix GF1. Oh and might I say that I’m very thankful for new people I’ve met since coming back to Singapore. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it to the artsy meetup tomorrow (I don’t know if I have yet a “get out of jail free” card but if I do and have the energy to, I will try. New beginnings afterall. It’s time to learn to love me.

Dark days

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 03:31:20 +0000

I’ve been diagnosed with depression.

Having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I was so sleepy...

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:01:17 +0000

Having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I was so sleepy before but my head hit the pillow at 10 and I’ve spent the last hour tossing and turning in bed. I’ve even turned the AC on to try to get myself sleeping. I guess I have too much on my mind.

Meet the Fellas

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:17:50 +0000

Say hi to the Fellas. Raspberry, Mikey, Cat, Ellie, Bug, Monkey and Antoine (who’s affectionately known as Toinee).

They’re my comfort when I need comforting in ways that words can’t express. I’m in my 30s but yes, they are my comfort and they make me happy.

This is Bug. Bug is preparing for his first solo trip halfway around the world.

I made a little sleeping bag for him today.

And decked out his cabin so that he’d have a comfortable trip. Family photos are a must of course.

Bon voyage Bug.

With all our love,
Me and the fellas.

I’ve made my peace and I followed my heart. That’s the most and...

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 16:38:53 +0000

I’ve made my peace and I followed my heart. That’s the most and least and only thing I can do. I love you. Happy New Year everyone.

This hankie brings me comfort today. It says to me “you...

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 07:28:54 +0000

This hankie brings me comfort today. It says to me “you were loved.” Now it’s up to me. I hope I can do it.